Sunshine on my shoulder...

There's special something about a new season on the New Planet. After months and months of whinging and complaining about the cold, the snow, the rain, the foggy roads on a freezing night and the lack of salt to spread on said roads, suddenly it all changes.

The buds begin appearing, the rape bursts into flower and now we get to complain about the hay fever, the heat and the million to one chance that the next Bank Holiday will arrive amidst a late flurry of snow and gale force winds. But then the sun finally shines and we are able to go out into the sun like lizards, to slough off our Winter scales and stock up on that all important Vitamin D.

Now I have observed over time, that when the sun does shine, it sets off some kind of abandoned glee within the breasts of the New Planetarians. Bursting free from the well maintained environments of office blocks and pubs, they find a patch of grass, remove their clothing and lie exposed like pale slices of bacon on a griddle pan. But not those of us from the Southernmost Colony, who already have enough skin damage after childhoods spent in the pool, with no sunscreen on at all because we never knew about such things as skin cancer and melanoma back in the olden days.

As the pasty faced New Planetarians ignore all advice about sunburn and skin cancer, they lie sprawled in parks and village greens, their flesh exposed for all to see and admire (!) and allow themselves to slowly cook, changing from flabby white to puffy pink to lobster blistered red,because 'it's much better to have at least a bit of colour than none at all'. Isn't it?

Sensible dressing also becomes a thing of the past, and at last we get to admire the middle aged men in their colourful long shorts, their vests and most intriguing of all, the socks... with sandals. This is a unique fashion found on this planet, one I have yet to understand, because surely the point of wearing sandals is so that your feet can breathe, so what's the thinking behind wearing them with SOCKS!

Happily, there also seems to be no such thing as what we called 'skaam', as females of the species, no matter what size or shape or colour, feel that a bit of sunshine is just the opportunity to display their arms; sleeveless tops/dresses with bra straps showing, legs; short shorts or mini's that are shorter at the back than the front due to the size of the posterior, and my personal favourite, the stomachs, which cascade over waistbands like the Augrabies Falls, flopping about at will, unrestrained and unashamed. Even the soon-to-be-mums, display their swollen bellies with pride hoping to get a bit of a tan before the big event...or perhaps it's just that they're wearing the wrong size t-shirt?

Would that we all had the confidence to appear in public like this with no care about the sniggering that I know from personal experience goes on behind the hands of sun bed tanned nymphets who wear headbands as skirts and display slender shining legs squeezed into lethally high heels as they totter down the High Street looking down on those of us that keep our batwings and hail damaged thighs well hidden behind flowing skirts and dresses with sleeves.

And we get to exchange comments with strangers like 'it's a gorgeous day, innit?' or 'cor, it's proper sultry like today, eh?'. And we all know that the glorious weather isn't going to last very long, no matter how enthusiastically the weather forecasters predict 'scorching temperatures', and the 'hottest day of the year' and that we will have an Indian Summer, where we will spend our evenings strolling down country lanes picking blackberries or barbecuing (not to be confused with braaing, because somehow pork sausages and beef burgers aren't quite the same as proper wors and sosaties) and anyway, we all know it's going to chuck down rain on the very day we planned our BBQ.

I do miss being able to run out to the pool and plopping into the cool water whenever the heat becomes too oppressive though. Sadly, that can't happen here, mainly because most pools are all indoors and any sort of 'plopping' or 'bombing' or 'splashing' is frowned upon...I mean, what on earth would Health and Safety think about such frivolity?

But the lovely long evenings and the soft pink sunsets are indeed wonderful, and sitting outside on a balmy evening is rather special, even if you do have a bunged up nose, a fit of sneezing every five minutes and scratchy, red-rimmed eyes.

Ah Summer, don't you love it?

Oh what a circus...

The Big Top has been erected, the clowns are giving their final performances and soon we will all flock like willing sheep to the nearest school or church or town hall to make our little cross. I have never in all my life seen such shenanigans as those that I have witnessed recently as the New Planet begins its search for a new leader and change of governance.

The one thing I am assured of however, is that here, voting will be based on critical analysis by the voters and will not take place along tribal lines as it does in the Southernmost Colony, where, no matter how good, bad or indifferent the ruling tribe actually is, the voters seem incapable of placing their cross next to the name (or picture as most of them are illiterate) of a worthy person for fear of the 'eye in the sky' seeing who they have voted for and violent retribution being meted out. Or maybe not...

Watching the live debates (obviously not the entire thing or I might have gone completely off my head and taken to drink) and the manic walkabouts by the hopeful candidates, it strikes me that beneath the civilised facades, there beats in fact a primal, primitive heart in the well-covered chests of the voters. One has only to witness the pushing and the heckling and jeering and downright nastiness of some to wonder if they actually care about hearing what the poor chap has to say, or if they are more intent on grabbing their fifteen minutes of fame. Anyway, despite the rhetoric and name calling, they all seem inclined to vote for the very same tribe they voted for last time, the same one their parents and grand-parents and great-great grandparents voted for. You get the picture.

Now I suppose no politician is to be trusted, or so I am frequently told, but there is something a little bit unsettling when a man makes a comment in the privacy of his car (or so he thinks) and finds himself reviled, ridiculed, and lambasted from a dizzy height by the sanctimonious and mean spirited who have themselves never made a rude comment or proffered an opinion about someone they have met and who rubbed them up the wrong way. Is the man not entitled to his own views or to get annoyed upon occasion? Is he not human? Why is it that every Tom, Dick and Muhammed now has the right to savage and tear apart the mans' character, and that of his wife/partner/child as if perfection is the norm and not the exception? And don't even get me started on how they've been trotting out the wives with all the razzmatazz of a great spinning firework, while commenting cruelly on their fashion sense or smile or unguarded gesture...I said don't get me started!

So, one of our possible Prime Ministers appeared on telly, where he wooed the public, slew the females of the species with his good looks and dazzling smile and became more popular than Winston, and for an entire day was lauded and congratulated in the national press, spoken of as if he'd just walked on water and fawned upon by all and sundry. And then the very next day, his character was attacked when 'irregular payments' in his personal bank account were brought to the notice of the millions of voters who had fallen for his charming manner and eloquent speech. And it makes me wonder....how the hell did 'they' get hold of his private bank statements? What ever happened to privacy I ask myself?

So with only a week to go, let's hope no one says anything else that will reveal that they are not in fact pod people programmed and operated by a giant head on a distant star in a far off galaxy, but are simply human beings with the same failings, idiosyncrasies and emotions as the rest of us.